Monday, December 15, 2008

"What Would _______ Do?"




Well I was thinking about doing some Christmas shopping on Sunday and decided to head to the local Wally Mart. This is my daughter's 1st Xmas and I can't help but keep buying her stuff. She's so damn cute. So, I start walking in (with my list of course) and automatically head to the toy section. I used to love this section when I was a kid. Mom and dad would say "meet us at "whatever" time. I'd say "yeah" and I would be gone. I still feel like a weirdo standing there checking out the cabbage patch kids. I feel like I need to prove I have a kid in order to be in the girl section. People are rude for the most part. So I get a lot of stares and whispers.

I look at my list and the spin and dance Uniqua from the Backyardigans is #1. I can see it. There is only one left and I'm 50 feet away. The place is swarming with people. Damn. I need it.

Now I am not all that religious (unless the Oiler's is considered a religion) now a days but I couldn't help but think... People like to live thier lives with the whole "What Would Jesus Do?" So why not the Oiler's right?

"So" I thought. What Would Hemsky Do? Good plan. So I started out doing a fast jog, then I started really picking up speed. WATCH OUT! I jump to the left. Oh no! Spin-a-rama to the right. Almost there. One more juke to the left and back to the right and I'm there...

Right on. It worked. Just as I start to catch my breath, this dude in a suit starts to cut in front of me and starts grabbing for the toy. No way there tie wearing dude. Not today.

So? I quickly thought...

What Would MacTavish Do? I flashed a grin and without a blink I grabbed a hold of the dude's tie and ripped it right off. He stood there speechless as I grabbed the toy and walked quickly away. Take that Harvey the Hound #2

Yeah! (self high 5)

Well now I am starting to feel pretty good about myself. What's next on the list? Baby Einstein Kaleidoscope. Cool toy. Lights up and plays music. Easy to learn colors type of toy. Well... There was two left. Two. Now anyone knows that you never want the front toy because everyone and their dog has played with it already. So you want the one that is way in the back. Right? Well just as I start walking to get it and this lady and her 7 year old kid were heading that way.

Quick think man....

What Would Cole Do? I started running and just as the two of us were reaching "the toy", I pretend to slip on some water and I deliver the best Erik Cole open ice hit on her. BAM! She goes flying to the floor. Yes!!!! I got it. The back one. I help her off her kid and apologize for slipping and make some joke about how crappy the employees are here and I make off laughing under my breath. Sucker.

Now I have one more thing on the list and so far no luck. Oh wait. Is that the new IgglePiggle doll/figurine? It is. Hmmmm.... My girl is going to love that.
What Would Visnovsky Do? I know. He's good at getting in and getting out quick. So I kick it into high gear and do a run by. Successful! I have all three presents that I wanted to get for my princess. Living large and in charge.
So I go heading off to the check out till. Long lines of course. It's Christmas.

As I am waiting in line that jack ass Mr. No Tie guy from the Uniqua episode is giving me the eye. "Screw him", I say. I'm leaving. What could be the harm now right?
So What Would Souray Do? So I gave him that look. You know the look. The "I'm gonna rip some poop up on you" look. Yeah that's right. I'm bad ass. (I'm actually scared but you can't show him that) I finish paying and get my cash back and I start getting ready for the full on winter blast that I am sooooo lucky to receive at this time of year. And here is that hole of a butt, Mr. Suit with no tie guy again.
"Hey", he yells at me. "I needed that toy for my kid."
"So did I" I say back.
"Are you getting smart with me?" he growls.
"Yes I am", I reply.
He keeps getting closer to me. Sure enough he's parked beside me. What dumb luck huh? He looks really angry the closer he gets. Crap once again. What now?
Ahhhh... then it came to me. What Would MacIntyre Do?
What could I do? So I shirted him and started feeding him rights to the side of the noggin'. It shocked him a little. You could see it in his eyes. He starts to cover his head. So I did what Big Mac would do. I started feeding him in the ribs. (I learned from Big Mac that no matter what, you need to hit the opponent somewhere that's vulnerable or otherwise it's a waste of a punch) So I kept swinging until I was satisfied that he was going to be stunned. He fell to the ground and I found my opening to make a run for it. I snatched up all my gifts and jumped into my old crown victoria and sped off quickly.
Next stop... Tim Hortons.
Mmmmmm... Double Double.
Geez... what an afternoon. Next time I am going to send the wife. She's more like Chopper. She just goes in swinging her purse like she's big #18 and her life depends on it. Until next year...
Happy Holidays Everybody!!!

Smokin' Ray Burnt


***TRUE STORY: Based on true events that may or may not have happened in real life***

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